Fantasy as if reality. Thinking its real, wishing its real, dreaming its real and

Living it as if its reality.

GOD. WHYYY. FOR THE PAST 2 DAYS. LIFE HAS BEEN SO UNEXPECTINGLY wonderful :( EASTWOOD TILL MORNING, MAU’S DEBUT BUT as expected LIFE won’t let me have fun for that long.

Can’t believe you said that.

I can’t believe you judged me just because I tell you everything.

And when you know that I only trust a few people, you just have to ruin everything for me.

I don’t understand why you think that my friendship with you doesn’t matter when I make extra effort to be bond with you. I even introduced you to all of my friends to keep us tight, to keep us from drifting apart.

Then you just had to say that you don’t give a shit about what I say. That you were tired, hungry and bored. That you didn’t care that you leave me alone.

You know I can’t take eating alone. You know how much I fear being left behind and set aside. You know how much insecure and paranoid I AM.

SO WHY MAN WHY? Why do you have to be so cold to me? I took care of you naman ah. You said so yourself that I am the only person who has ever taken of you. Now why are you shattering my shattered heart?

I can’t take it.

• Next time (When you want something do it now, seize the moment, next time might never come and you’ll just miss your oppurtunity forever.) Next time is sometimes used to console our minds and hearts that something will not be gone.
• Promise (It’s always broken)
• Always here when you need me. (Where is there? Why can’t you just be here all the time, you don’t know how hard it is to look for someone when you need them, it feels as if youre causing trouble or burdening the person when you do that. It kills a person to be a burden to the people they love)
• I’m okay. (No one is okay.)

I don’t know what made me write my thoughts on something so public for I find it hard to trust people with deep shit, and they might judge me when they see this.

Although I have a sort of journal that keeps my feelings-well a journal isn’t public anyway.

But whenever i write on it, i always feel like sooner or later, I’ll let somebody read it anyway. It’s like I’m writing for someone and not for myself alone or even for the sake of memory. I feel like I’m writing for someone that I haven’t met yet. I just don’t know when I would feel that I’m worth knowing, that I’m worth something.

I think I just miss talking to people.

I don’t know anything.

I don’t know why I feel so hallow. (I remember this song from Sibol, Mr. Cellophane.) Maybe what Niko said was right, I’m so weak that even small things or stupid mistakes ruin my day. I don’t why I said that, maybe it’s true. I don’t even know if anyone knows me or if my bestfriends do, coz I’m not sure if I even know myself or what i know of myself is something i wish i could be.  

(I hope I can talk to him again. Maybe he is one of the reasons why I feel so hallow, so invisible, so useless. Maybe its because, I feel like we’ve gone different ways. I can’t find him anymore. I’ve been so attached and so dependent that I’m broken. Maybe I’m paranoid, they all say that theyre always there. But where is there, maybe its in a different dimension. For once, I felt like someone accepted me. Not for my lies, but for the real me. Well, most of it was real. It already happened thrice. With Tony, Leony and Now, Mony. I don’t want them to be burdened with me anymore. I must be strong on my own, but I would’ve felt more complete if they didn’t leave me, or set me aside. Maybe i feel this way because, I loved them. Then it would be a different story.)

I dont know anything at all.